It was a good thing I had nearly twenty years
of gigging under my belt by the time I met female impersonator Craig Russell.
It would have been near impossible deciphering each unpredictable moment spent
in his company.
My first gig paid $2.40 a high school prom in
a dance band led by our trusted bandmaster Mr. Hugh Scott. Scott was a nervous
fellow who tolerated me but never fully engaged and swing was not his thing. It
was 1960 and rock and roll was here to stay and Scott was more in tune with
music with a bit of a march to it. I even remember him throwing the baton at
me, I don’t recall the reason other than he didn’t like the way I looked at him
and the fact brother Wayne and I were in orchestra together and that meant
trouble. I truly believe he raided the band cupboard and collected a few parts
from the Sound of Music for the prom gig. By senior year he tossed both of
us out of band. He just couldn’t take a good laugh and a couple of unstoppable
pranksters.
A year or so later I get a call from Mingus
tenor sax man Bobby Jones to play a strip bar - Iroquois Gardens. I was truly
not versed in life much more than a trip to church and or a run up the river in
dad’s cabin cruiser. Jones was crazy insane. I knew possibly three songs and a
bunch of Scarlatti. The stripper wants 'Shangri-La'. Nothing like the sound of
drums, piano tuned to A 330 and clarinet. Jones doesn't give a shit he wants
the stripper. We're playing along - me in some foreign key clueless of chord
changes. Jones would yell ‘G7’ and laugh his ass off. As we conclude the
rhapsody when stripper yells.. ‘You stink! Jones looks at her and says, ‘You stink
too, I can smell you from here.’
Not long after I'm at the coliseum in
Louisville and Jamey Aebersold is opening for the Count Basie Band. His bassist
is a recovering addict. After Jamey's set bass man comes and sits by me. Basie
is killing. Bass man leans over and whispers 'can you feel the vibrations? I
haven't a clue what he's getting at. He then looks at me and says ‘Orange’. We
are vibrating orange in here.’ Ok.
That's just a sample of the necessary steps
needed to endure and appreciate a Craig Russell. I always say the two craziest
music icons I've ever worked for we're Ronnie Hawkins and Craig Russell. You
couldn't tell them apart. Every moment in their company brought hilarity
most would grimace or dial 911.
I’m down in Boston with Craig and we’re
playing a gay disco converted to show theatre this occasion. I’ve already spent
six months in gaydom which I will admit at first uncomfortable but after playing
for drunken rock crowds brought serious comic relief.
Russell began as Mae West’s biggest fan and
president of the Mae West fan club. I think he eventually moved to Hollywood
for a time and hung around West. It was the indie movie 'Outrageous' that would launch
his career a brief but roaring one it was.
For the Boston gig we needed a big band so I
hit up Pat LaBarbera for names. Pat was with both Lionel Hampton and Buddy Rich
bands so he still had a directory of first call musicians. I made contact and
band was organized.
We rehearsed the first afternoon absent
Russell for ten day stint. Way cool – no mishaps.
The night of opening I’m in dressing room with
players just chatting and run my hand across a wooden box and come across a
quarter of a joint with a bit of lipstick on it. I think – this is crazy if I light.
Back then one never gave a second thought. I take my prize to a corner and have
a couple hits. In the background the hall is bouncing to ‘Another One Bites the
Dust.` A minute or so passes when suddenly my heart starts pounding a hundred
thumps a second – five minutes to show time. Fuck me – what did I do?
I walk through crowded room heart jumping from
chest and banging tables. It dawns on me that hit was PCP – something I’d been
given once before that was way beyond fear weed – horse tranquilizer.
I steer myself to piano bench and sit there
while band takes stage. I keep talking to myself – ‘you will live to see
another day – you will never do this again, you are loved.’ The next three
minutes stretch into ten as we wait for Craig’s arrival, meanwhile, ‘Another
One Bites the Dust’ is swirling in my brain like a noxious stew. I’m beginning to
think the song was scripted for me when the front door pops open and the queen
arrives. And yes she arrives full costume and dressed as Bette Midler – Yes! Bette
Midler.
I could judge Craig’s mood depending on
costume – Bette fun – Judy Garland – lights out!
I count the overture in flip open score and
there before me is a dangling pair of testicles cut from a porn magazine. I
look up at band and it was like facing a dark mountain side inhabited by
racoons just flickering eyeballs. I start laughing uncontrollably from whence
drummer hits a body switch and a round of colored lights clinging to neck starts
flashing off and on. Then the whole band starts laughing and can barely play.
Craig just parades on oblivious to happenings. By now I’m laughing so hard my
teeth stick to piano wood.
Next up – ‘The Rose’ – perfect Bette showcase.
I flip page and there’s a long schlong taped the length of page. I sit there startled
and start flipping through the evening’s score and notice every page had body
parts perfectly cut around song titles. By now the band was on the floor and
drummer flashing like he’d hit Vegas jackpot. There was nothing one could do
but laugh and try regain control.
Somewhere half way through Craig reaches for
glass of water resting on piano lid. He holds up to lights – sips and has a
second look. ‘My, my I’m drinking dick juice. Tasty, tasty.’ Funny man had cut
a penis part and stuck to bottom of glass. Craig looks at me and says – you hired
this band for ten days?
Every night was wickedly insane. Craig got
even with one of the sax players during the Peggy Lee medley. He slipped next
to him bent down and drove his tongue through eardrum to the inner part of his
brain. The guy flipped out. Band was on fire.
A few weeks pass and Craig calls about a gig
in Saskatoon. By now price is becoming an issue. It was going to take a fair
bit more money to endure the weird stuff. Craig agrees and off we go.
A stretch limo pulls up outside and I catch a
view of a giant white wig with a big mouth red with lipstick. This is seven in
the morning.
Russell is in full Mae West mode. He’d been up
all night coking and drinking and was in fine form. “Come sit back here with me
big boy.” It was if Mae was going into overdrive and there was no point of
return. I figured as long as Mae was in room and not Judy we could maintain.
Imagine standing at ticket counter at Pearson
with this costume shouting at everyone who walks by. Embarrassment with a
triple E! ‘Where do you want to sit, I’m sitting with the pilot– you with the
stewardess.” I knew better than sit close by so I booked front of room.
So we’re flying above the clouds when I hear –
‘Bill’s my music director – he’s from Indiana – Bill stand up and take a bow.’
I don’t dare look back. “Hey Bill, Mae calling – back here honey.” I turn
slightly and every passenger was either laughing or in fear. “ If you don’t
take a bow, I’m coming up there.” I raise my hand. “There you go, the boy’s in
show business and he just showed some.”
We arrive to another stretch limo with a
female driver. Bags were near curb and she ignores. “Honey, pick those bags up
and be careful my toys are in the purple case, don’t harm and put gently
in trunk.” The woman ignores and gets in limo. By now Craig is situated in back
seat killing the bar. “Honey, we are not leaving with bags sitting on curb.” I
interject – ‘I’ll take care. “No, I’m paying her so get your ass out of the car
and take care.” The woman just sits there. Craig gets on telephone and calls
her employer. A bit of chatter and then she grudgingly stuffs trunk.
We’re
cruising along when Craig says ‘You know your trouble bitchy – you need a man –
Bill she’s all yours.” I ignore but
Craig persists. “You ain’t never had a man – that’s your problem – and you won’t
ever be Mae, I understand women and you are not getting laid and that’s a
problem.”
Craig eventually turns his attention to the
road. He opens back window and starts yelling at everyone – “It’s Mae – come see
my show – I’m not dead – see me -believe me.” Hey soldier, I can get you in for
half price, you can take me home on a stretcher, I’m into bondage, bandage me -
please.”
