Sad Face at Jazz Window

 Don’t go February – you’ve brought so little joy so why leave at a snail’s pace? My street looks like one giant snot bucket of gray matter put there by the sleet God - Von Herbert of Hell Froze Over.

I have heard the musicians cry – where were the gigs, I was available. I’ve seen street faces all searching beneath the soles of their shoes for sympathy. Not even a frothy cup of stew beef will revive the dreary grip of winter’s chill.

The dogs have spent the month holed up in the bedroom closet like adopted zombies. The joy of unlocking the back porch door has faded. That slow drag around the back lawn, sudden spin and gift dump all but forgotten. Just a whiff of inclement weather brought dog sadness and extreme lethargy. I threw a ball and it rolled – they watched then went back to bed.

So today, I will wave out my office window at each passing cloud - curse the snow greased sidewalk, laugh out loud to hear laughter, and reassure myself I paid something on every bill. March on!

I Am Still that Man..

Tonight my spouse proclaimed – ‘You haven’t cleaned the bathroom in 44 years – of which I responded – I’m quite humble about these things and go about without fanfare – no need to brag!

Look, I am man – I only see things in my limited field of vision. The bathroom is totally out of focus – I barely see the carpet in my office which at times looks as if the living dead come there to hibernate.

I see my computer, my Smartphone clearly – my iPad through a glaze of greasy fingerprints. I see my piano like my eyesight was 50/50 – I never miss. My rack of movies from a distance is an Adam and Eve garden of delights in fact ‘No Country for Old Men’ and ‘There Will Be Blood’ sit there like gargoyles guarding voyeur perimeter. 

I have never missed target hitting the recliner spot on. I don’t complain about a thing – in fact, I’ve forgotten how to complain. I’m easy around the house. I bring you coffee in the morning, listen to your compelling news mash ups. I rarely believe you when you say the weather tomorrow will be catastrophic; I will in all likelyhood engage without warning - maybe one day to my peril.

You can try and rearrange me but no matter which parts you reassemble I will still come out oblong. I am man – garden variety – you can purchase at Home Hardware.

Forty years ago I would have ran alongside a train to just impress I’m the fastest, wrestled a land shark, beat the snot out of ten would be assailants, starred a serial killer into cuffing himself but tonight I just want to wish the pain in my right leg away. Christ sake – it’s been throbbing two weeks.

Tomorrow I will rise and let the dogs out and you will sleep. I will read the paper and you will sleep. When you rise I will have a big smile reserved for you and you will settle into the recliner warmed like angels placed soft coals underneath. All of this my love, ‘Cause I’m still, your man!

Last Day of February! Yes…

The longest month of the year is about to close and good riddance. Twenty-eight days in February is like time served beneath ground. There’s no humor to this month – witness the hostile reception for Seth MacFarlane’s tasteless Oscar antics – but then again this is the Family Guy.

Laughter during February is most difficult. Someone sprays a joke on you and the response – huh? This is the, ‘I don’t get it month or I don’t care to get it month’

I laugh continuously basically because I was born with a laugh gizmo stuffed between lungs and heart. That’s why I can react out of synch at punch lines from medical jokes – in fact CSI television puts me in Shecky Green laugh trauma.

Above the gizmo is the same frayed dread blanket all of us share this month. Please cover my feet!

March will be upon us and a whiff of spring will be in the air if you live in North Carolina – Toronto – mid - April. Here it will snow March 26^th – just because you thought flowers were in near bloom witnessing a few slivers of tulip stalks pop through the sidewalk. The jokes on us – flowers have a sense of humor too.

We will walk with our heads down - curse the shivering winds and ask ourselves why won’t winter die or why isn’t climate change doing a proper job – we’re paying for it.

You will closely monitor those fattening buds on trees and tell a friend or spouse – ‘See, spring is two days away.’ You will likely leave the house wearing a sweater and running shoes and return after purchasing a parka and rain boots.

Whatever the case without winter life is so wrong! The price we pay for cruel February is returned in a jeweled cased exotic moment when first we inhale the birthing of spring. Does anyone have a date for that yet?

And the winner is Michelle Obama?

Hollywood and politicians have made strange bedfellows from back in the days of Charlie Chaplin whose independence sealed a lifetime beyond the cherished reels and busy work of the war lords consigning him to distant shores until the final redemptive days. You are either with us or against never upon us.

Lord Louis B. Mayer gave the Republican Party a say in the 1920s in building a solid propaganda machine. Edward G. Robinson fought Nazi’s – Ronald Reagan and George Murphy darlings of the high flying right served as presidents of the Screen Actors Guild. Depending on which side of the aisle you inhabited, politics of the day influenced the type of movies being made. We went from gun toting Vietnamese slayer John Wayne in ‘Green Berets’ to Jane Fonda’s Oscar win in the anti-war ‘Coming Home.’

Last night’s appearance of Michelle Obama although predictable did come as a surprise. When I first caught a glimpse I knew political interference was in play but willing to abide the show.

Obama is probably the most elegant well-spoken first lady of our times. She exudes perfect health, ambition, opulence, beauty – the impossible woman. She is style central; in fact last night in her Naeem Khan Gatsby era art deco dress she put the entire flock of starlets to shame. I ask? Should this be the case?

Jack Nicholson is the real deal but up against Lady Obama he looked like the guy who missed the last bus. In fact, he looked like he couldn’t afford a token.

I think where I’m going with this – I found it a truly uncomfortable moment and not for anything Seth MacFarlane might have said. It’s that spooky mix of Hollywood and Washington politics that leaves me dry. Separation of Hollywood and State?

I’m an old lefty so for me to fess up to this takes a bit of reflection. I never liked the stink of Chuck Norris hanging around or gun-crazed Charlton Heston, so in all fairness, beautiful – gorgeous perfect First Lady – rethink these spectacles. Please don’t make this a habit. Your words were too completed and cultured – remember America eats at Denny’s and parents work a dozen menial jobs a day and can’t afford ten sequins on that dress. We know Ben Affleck was gobsmacked by your cameo – but remember, that’s the guy who couldn’t get the Argo story straight even when Canadian truth slapped him silly at every turn. And do remember FOX News will replay and dissect and stoke their crazed club of lunatics into a Obama hate-filled frenzy – that in itself should give one pause to consider.

Life of Pi, Argo or Lincoln?

OK – I hid from the Grammys … that was on purpose. I try to avoid eTalk with Ben Mulroney but CTV is the only channel I get downstairs on the flat screen and Ben always seems too squeak in just after the news. Oh, how much do I loathe this show?

I met Mulroney several years back and found him quite affable and pleasant and for trash television this gets an A but that’s where common courtesy ends. You need an extra large green garbage bag and a twist tie to get through. You also need a spew cup and lots of paper towels and cleanser.

I love films and watch many, many, many during the year. This season I made a point of catching as many of the main players possible and must say it’s been a delightful experience.

So tonight, I will be watching. I do so because the academy treats film with such reverence and high regard the show gets my attention. I think Seth MacFarlane will be highly entertaining. What I won’t savor is fifty support cast run on stage at the same time and dry wrestle the microphone then thank those whose names pass quicker than the closing screen credits. And again, thank you Harvey!

I remember Marlon Brando’s snap at the academy – David Letterman’s very funny one shot at hosting – Jack Palance’s one handed push up – the best of Billy Crystal – it was all highly entertaining.

Hollywood has always partnered with social conscience even when investors are polar opposites. It`s a untidy relationship that has worked well for the most part.

Argo will most likely take best picture – I`m still not convinced of its veracity or quality next to `Silver Linings Playbook`- `Lincoln`- `Life of Pi`- Àmour`, Django Unchained, Zero Dark Thirty etc. Ìf its Argo – it’s a win for producer George Clooney – a favourite in this house who I still think got shafted last season with The Descendants` – his best work to date. You have to give it to the handsome man – he sure knows how to charm defeat!

I always dig it when Toronto Sun film critic Jim Slotek drops in on Ted and I at Newstalk1010. This is a rare opportunity to talk film with someone who does this for a living and a disciple who truly knows the medium. We all have opinions not always learned ones so it’s a good high hearing the man`s thoughts and probing on and off air. That`s how us fans play! I`m always curious why people give so much credence to a popular work or level serious criticism on another. I`ve got to know for sure..

Truthfully, I`m a Life of Pi guy. We stole center front seats ten rows up for Imax 3D experience. You can`t get this kind of buzz from Argo. That voracious hyena kept me squirming long enough to make me seriously feel I was the next raw meat buffet setting. I have to give director Ang Lee the big, big up chop – I never envisioned the film being as powerful and possible as Yan Martel`s grand fantasy.

Silver Linings Playbook? I wasn`t sure I’d catch this then I read enough grand reviews I caved. Bradley Cooper had me from the downbeat – then toss in Jennifer Lawrence. Tears were never far away mostly rimming the eyelids. I bought in.

Lincoln was superb and as always Daniel Day Lewis puts the Bo Jackson smack on this hitting farther than any park could contain.

Beasts of the Southern Wild – that was truly a WTF movie. A bath tub is a tough place to reside and all those mosquitoes, crawdads and dying. Great film but not a repeat.

Zero Dark Thirty - enjoyed but it didn't stick - just glad Osama is elswhere. Django Unchained - Tarantino never dissappoints yet this upsets as much as it delights.

Basically, I watch movies like everyone I know .. certain actors never disappoint, the same for high prized directors, yet it’s still all about the story. Blow-up crap like the Expendables will always serve an audience of costume survivalist, which is cool but for me 2012 was a righteous high quality movie season. Tonight, I get to cheer my favourites and thumb down those I have no connection. Dammit – that’s big fun! As for Ben, Joan and Melissa I just bought a large bottle of Pinesol.

My Brother Deserves an A+

My brother is the funniest person I know. Tonight, he’ll be luxuriating at a casino in Louisville, Kentucky.

Since the both of us got iPads we not only communicate every day - we Face Time each other in the eye. Now, I remember looking at this guy from an adjacent crib when at age two he worked magic on the bedroom wall with his epic study in brown. Today, as photographer Henri Cartier Bresson says, as we age we get the face we deserve. We look at each other and ask WTF, do we really deserve this?

Every guy should have a brother. Brothers are solid! I had two sisters one passed away and the other excommunicated not by church but by her own doings. Don’t ever mention her name around brother he’ll dial 911 or threaten to bust a cap in someone’s ass.

Bro read my FB review of the female-sing off on American Idol the other night and asked if I saw the dudes implode last night. Fortunately, I was caught up with the film - Seven Psychopaths – Christopher Walken time! Brother goes on to describe the debacle with a serious tone of desperation in his voice. You see, bro and I have worked with some great singers over our musical lives and this messy wasteland of disposal singers doesn’t play in our world. We were around for Marvin, Otis, Little Anthony, Lloyd Price, Joe Williams, Sam and Dave, Johnny Taylor, excuse me – Jackie Wilson, Little Jimmy Scott, Billy Paul, Pebro Bryson, Luther Vandross, excuse me again, Clarence Carter, Eddie Floyd.. stop me – I’m out of breathless soul! We were even around for a scream ranting Jerry Lee Lewis in Indianapolis.

We are singer friendly. Most jazz guys dismiss singers as evil plants there to shorten lengthy sketch-less soloing. Not us! I love a good horn solo yet a good horn and great singer keeps me from poking my eyes out with a nail clipper. I used to love long solos spread across the band but these days it’s like rote snoring. I would pay someone walk on stage and lay out a fresh twenty and pay them stop one course in. Long boring solos should have died out with the Grateful Dead. It’s as if jazz guys abide by a civil code - I solo, then you, then you, then you, then you, then you, - give the drummer some, maybe. No one asks the audience who politely clap then text these words – “Christ sake – another solo. Kill me!”

Most days, bro and I talk technology. My sibling is up on everything. If we could have started life together now we’d probably be successful techno vipers. We love this shit!

Bro kills on those iPad editing suites. I’m still in gooing stage. I hack along and cut the basics but bro is smooth and instinctive. I love his work.

The reason I’m writing this is for many years we existed in parallel spheres. I never really knew the depth of his talent and he’d probably heard enough of my music nonsense. When someone grieves about the golden years I want to push them in front of a speeding Pachard – these times are far better than envisioned. Something as unique and revolutionary as the iPad has given me a daily connection with that little brat who painted masterpieces from his diaper. Dammit, he’s gotten so much more artistic these days!

American Idol 2013

Some shows stay beyond invitation and drag on like road kill. American Idol needs an exit strategy.

I watched the sound off between the young women last night and found it painful - maybe one voice with potential among the cheery warblers.

I’m a hug fan of singers but not this kind of singing. I caught Brittany Howard of Alabama Shakes on Saturday Night Live Saturday past and she truly gave one of the best live vocal performances in years on a show usually fronted by unstable singing. The previous week Justin Beiber was heard raw absent auto tune and colorization - let me find the words – Big Stank!

Throughout American Idol’s history three singers have cut through with serious skills – Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and Jennifer Hudson. That’s not to say there weren’t a few other decent singers who found traction on Broadway and a few with mesmerizing vocal technique. Adam Lambert should have been my fourth choice but somewhere along the way he hitched himself to the bizarre and never returned.

Singing is still about the song and the person the message and big heart – the connection. American Idol is about the package.

Brittany Howard is in no way American Idol material. She looks wrong. When she opens her mouth the face contorts in a way that makes American Idol lip cooing dreaminess resolve into Mad Magazine cartoon. That wouldn’t be acceptable on AI. Cute is a must! Big curves a winner. Cute, big curves and doe-eyed humility – top twenty.

Don’t even get me started on the judges. I’ve always enjoyed Keith Urban but I’m sure he’d rather be somewhere writing songs and hanging with family. Nikki Minaj – what can one say – American Idol has dumped the entire history of the show down a drain pipe putting this clumsy speaking Muppet in a judge’s seat. Credibility Zero! Mariah is all about showcasing her body. She looks as if she’s perched on a throne and contestants court jesters.

American Idol is still about making every young aspiring bathroom yodeler believe they will be a world- wide singing phenomenon. Stretch limousine rides, a continuous flock of paparazzi in chase, long weekends in a Malibu beach house, worldwide adoration and a dozen handlers there to repeat two words – You’re Great!

The show will walk the same terrain as previous seasons -jack the masses and the results will be the same. By next season they will be looking for another set of judges and the cycle will repeat. Thousands of Mariah wannabees will line up around city blocks never understanding Carey was born with an unusual gift and is an absolute original.

More than anything the remote will now shy away another season and avoid collision. That’s a good thing!